I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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