so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
