I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
