I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
