Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Say something about gay babies.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
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