i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
