Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
