i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
