I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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