Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
