My friends, they love my intelligence
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize