I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
