You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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