It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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