I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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