home. puking in laundry basket.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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