Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
