Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
