Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
