That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i would punch a child for taco bell
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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