I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
