My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
