Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
