I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
