oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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