I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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