Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
