Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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