oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
