The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
