saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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