I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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