So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
