wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
