i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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