so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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