We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
