well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
