Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
