I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
