thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
