He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Randomize
