would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
