Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
