we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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