Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
