If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
