I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
