Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
