I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
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