WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
