Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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