What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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