Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
