i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize