You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
