If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
