Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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