What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
